Sex on a Thursday morning | 2016

Ok first of all fair warning. This is a real simple, real basic boy meets girl story. It doesn't have any threesomes or foursomes or anything like that. There's no lesbians and no one's squirting and nobody gets fucked in the ass. In fact there's no fucking at all before the twentieth paragraph or something. It's kind of long and wordy and if that's not your thing then I'd suggest reading ahead to the sexy stuff. Or maybe you'd be better off choosing some other story altogether. I mean I don't care, just don't go complaining about how boring it is because I fucking warned you. As I said, this is simple boy meets girl. I wish I could at least tell you it's a nice love story and all but it's not even that. I guess you could say there is some love in there, but this ain't a star-crossed lovers thing or anything. But I did go ahead and put the end of the story right there in the fucking title, so I guess that's some William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet two-households-both-alike-in-dignity shit right there.

So if I'm going to start this story I figure I might as well start it on a Tuesday night because that's when it all started. Now I don't know how things are where you live, but where I live it used to be that on Tuesdays you could go to the movies for cheap. Like all the theatres were half price or something. Maybe it's still like that in some places, I don't know. I don't go to the movies anymore. Too many fucking assholes on their cellphones. There's no way you can actually listen to the damn dialogue.

So on Tuesday nights my roommate and I would have a guys night out and go see a movie. That particular Tuesday I was hungry. Just my luck, there's a cookie store right next to the movie theatre. So we go in to get some cookies and the girl at the counter is just cute as a button. I mean she's no model or anything but she's pretty damn cute.

Now my roommate and I have known each other since high school and not to blow my own horn or anything but we're both pretty good at the witty banter and the funny back and forth. Now I'm not saying that girl at the counter is swooning or anything, but she thinks were kind of cute too so we do our little show talking about the cookies and kind of taking friendly shots at each other. We do that for a while and we chat her up a bit but then the movie's about to start so we say our goodbyes and that's that. Just some friendly banter and really neither of us expect we'll ever see her again.

I don't remember what the movie was so I'll just go ahead and assume that it sucked. But anyway after the movie we head to the subway station because we're going to take the subway home. It's past eleven thirty on a Tuesday night so the place is pretty much deserted but who's there on the platform? You guessed it. Cute-as-a-button cookie girl.

Now both of us are thinking, man that's some fucking weird coincidence right? Like it's a fucking sign from destiny or something. Ok I'm laying it on way too thick here but it is fucking weird. Anyway it's just the three of us waiting for the subway so of course we're going to walk over and chat her up a bit more. So we chat and the train arrives and we get on together and her stop is like ten stops away so we chat for a good long while.

I don't remember if it was her idea or if it was ours but when her stop comes somebody figures we should all get off together and go for a drink. There's a bar close to the subway station so we head there, sit down and order beers.

Now at this point you might think things are going pretty well for me. Here I am sitting at a table right next to this pretty hot girl and she obviously likes me (or at least she likes us) well enough to be sitting there in the first place. You'd think this all sounds pretty good right? Well you'd all be fucking wrong.

Here's what I didn't tell you about my roommate yet. The guy's a fucking asshole. I mean don't take my word for it, half the people I know won't talk to him because they hate his fucking guts. The other half though? Oh don't worry I'll tell you about the other half soon enough.

Thing is, I can be a pretty big asshole myself sometimes and I guess that's why him and I we get along. But I'm nowhere near the asshole that this guy is. The guy is a shit-talker. And excuse me but I just looked up talking shit in the goddamn dictionary and apparently it doesn't mean the same thing for everyone so let me just say what I mean. I mean he's got this uncanny ability for sounding really good and intelligent and charming while talking about shit he knows nothing about. I mean the guy is not only a shit-talker, he's a professional shit-talker. I mean literally. He's been waiting tables ever since he was sixteen and all that time he's perfected his little sales pitch and he's really good at making perfect strangers fall for him. I won't tell you how many times he's been invited by some people at one of his tables to go out for drinks after his shift. I mean, I don't want to diss everybody in the goddamn food service milieu, I know most waiters are probably not like that, but he is. And he's damn good at it.

Of course the guy has no problem getting girls. I don't think he's been single for more than a couple of hours ever since he started dating. Not only does he always have a girlfriend, but he always has a couple of other girls waiting for him on the side. So as soon as one of his girlfriends finally dumps his sorry ass, he just picks up the phone and that very night he's sleeping over at this other girl's place. I'm sure he does the poor-guy-who's-just-gotten-dumped routine very well.

So ok, I know I've said enough about this guy already and you probably just want me to get on with the actual story. I know you get the picture. But I need to add one more last thing. When this story happened, the guy was in university studying guess what? Philosophy. That's right, fucking philosophy. Where all the best shit-talkers in this goddamn town get together in a room to learn how to sound even more intelligent when they talk shit about some shmuck who's been dead four hundred years. Kant. Heidegger. Fucking hermeneutics. That's right, I know some of this shit. I'm not stupid. I've read books. I've even taken a couple of classes myself. So I'm not saying I'm no expert or anything but I know a bit about it. Enough to know when he's talking shit anyway.

So here we are sitting at that table and the guy just pulls out all his moves. I mean he really goes all out. You'd think for once in his goddamn life he could be my fucking wingman, but nooooo. Mister shit-talker needs to be the fucking center of attention all the fucking time. Even the poor girl can't get a damn word in.

The girl herself is fine and you can tell she's not dumb or anything, but she's gone straight from high school to these lousy retail jobs and you can clearly tell she's never had a guy try to seduce her by talking shit about philosophy before. And from where I'm sitting at least it looks like it's working. I mean it really looks like she's falling for it. She's nice and all and she keeps touching my arm and she tries to bring me into the conversation but I've got nothing to say that's not an insult to my roommate and I'd rather just not go there. I can be a pretty charming guy myself or so I'd like to think, but this ain't my turf and I'm way outgunned. So I just sit there and mope behind my beer with my mood getting darker and darker and I just stare at him wondering where it is I'm going to stick the axe when we get home.

Now at this point you're probably wondering what the fuck I'm still doing there if I'm so fucking miserable. Why don't I just go home and let these two go at it? I mean I don't know, maybe that's what they want. I'm sure he'd love to give her the old in-and-out. Maybe that's what she wants too how do I know. But I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why I'm still sitting there like a fucking unwelcomed third wheel sucking on my beer like it's got some goddamned teats.

It's winter and it's cold outside and it's a damn cold lonely walk home from where we are. And I don't really want to face that right now. Besides what is there for me at my place? A big old empty apartment with my big old empty room and the big old empty fucking cold bed. That's what's waiting for me. Not to make it sound like I'm about to wash down a bottle of painkillers with a glass of Drano or anything, but at this point in my life I'm feeling pretty fucking low. I haven't had a girlfriend in ages and at this point an exciting Friday night for me is finding an episode of Buffy that I haven't seen ten times before on Netflix. Yeah I got friends and all but it's not the same thing. I'm still fucking lonely. Sometimes you get loneliest when you're surrounded by people you don't care about. People who don't really get you, you know? Not to sound too goddamn philosophical about it. But anyway you got my leave, just go ahead and print that on a fucking bumper sticker. Wouldn't that be a fucking riot.

So sitting here next to a pretty girl ain't so bad all things considered. Sometimes I think I can even catch the smell of her perfume drifting my way a bit. That's kind of nice. Kind of reminds me of old girlfriends. Which makes me happy and fucking sad all at the same time. So I sit there. And I sip my beer.

Eventually it's really late and we part ways. And I don't remember whose idea it was but we trade phone numbers. I mean I take hers to be polite but I know I'm never going to call this girl. And I give her mine just so I'm not rude but I know she's never calling me either. But you've got to put up with the social niceties sometimes right?

Now I told you what an asshole my roommate can be but really I'm not one to hold a grudge. Besides I know the guy. You don't hang out with a guy like that if you're not ready to have him fuck you over every once in a while. So on the walk home we talk about the girl a bit but really only a bit. It's kind of awkward anyway so instead we talk about other things. The movie I assume, even though I swear to God I still can't remember what the fuck it was. Or sports or whatnot.

Ok so now we jump ahead to the following night. It's Wednesday night and my roommate's out, probably at his girlfriend's but how would I know. It's close to ten and I'm alone in the apartment. I'm listening to some music and reading some book when my phone buzzes. It's cute cookie girl.

To this day I have no idea why she texted me instead of him. I've got this nagging suspicion that she tried him first and he didn't answer but I'm not about to just go out and ask him. Anyway what does it matter really you know? Anyway after a couple of pleasantries she gets right to the point and asks, point blank, if I want to come over and sleep at her place. Holy fucking fuck.

Now I think I've already made this apparent but just in case it's not clear: I haven't been invited to spend the night at any girl's place in a quite a while. And I find the whole thing really weird. I mean not that a girl would invite me over or anything, but just how direct she is. I mean I've only met the girl yesterday and it's not like we both fell for each other or anything. We spent most of our time listening to mister fucking asshole and neither of us managed to get a damn word in. But on the other hand it's not like I'm about to say no either. I just have to peek over at that big empty bed in the next room to know what my answer's going to be. So I pack up my shit and grab a couple of condoms from my roommate's stash and I'm on my way.

Now about those condoms. I don't want to sound all presumptuous and whatnot because at this point I really don't know what's going to happen. I can't help but notice that the girl invited me to sleep over at her place. Not to fuck, not to hook up, she didn't say anything remotely sexual. You'd think it's kind of implied so that's why I figured I'd better come prepared, but the whole way there I'm wondering what it is I'm going there for exactly. It's been a while since a girl had me in her bed so maybe I'm an idiot but my confidence ain't exactly through the roof right now so I'm going to need some goddamn clear signal if you know what I mean. Like the fucking bat-sign or something.

So I get there and we hug and she's got a couple of beers in the fridge and she offers me one. But first let me backtrack a bit. So first I get there and the place is a dump. I mean it's not a horrible dump and it's pretty clean and all but you can clearly tell she must be dirt poor. It's a dingy one room apartment with a futon that's both a couch and a bed and this teeny tiny kitchen area and the place smells weird (not good not bad just... weird, like I try and try but I just can't tell what that fucking smell is) And there's a picture on the wall of the grayest man I've ever seen.

You probably think it's weird that I'm talking about that picture, what with that girl that I'm possibly-perhaps-maybe about to fuck being right there and whatnot, but that picture was pretty hard not to notice. It's not big or anything but it's the only thing on her fucking wall. And the guy has this really stuck up grin on his face and he's just so... gray. His hair is gray and his suit is gray and his tie is gray and even is skin is gray gray gray. And I'm sitting next to her on the futon sipping my beer and to be polite I ask if that's her dad or something. No she says, that's the leader of my cult. Holy. Fucking. Fuck.

Of course she doesn't call it a cult but you can tell immediately that's what it is. She told me the name of it but I forget what it was but I can google it for you one day if you want. She tells me her parents belong to that cult and she tried to step away from it at some point but it just caused her too much grief to be away from her family so she went back. Anyway, I see no point in going over her life's story with you guys right at the moment but you get the gist. Even if I'm feeling low at this point in my life, my life is nothing like the shit she's had to put up with. Compared to the people she knows I'm a fucking model of mental stability and self-control.

And I'm still sitting there next to her and thinking holy fucking fuck. Is this really something I want to get into? But the girl is really nice, and again, big old empty bed at home, and it kind of feels nice to hear her tell her life story. Like it reminds me how I can be someone's fucking rock sometimes. I can be the upbeat and sane and comforting one. It's like I knew I always could, it's just that things were just not falling my way for a while you know?

But anyway we chat and chat and I'm the nice guy and all, but still at the back of my head I'm still thinking what did she ask me here for? Not to be too crass about it, but does she expect a fuck or not? I mean we're sitting close to each other on the couch, am I supposed to make a move?

By this point I'm sure you've noticed I'm a goddamn idiot about those things so I don't. I don't make a move. Eventually it's really late and we decide to go to bed and she goes to the bathroom first and I'm standing next to the futon like an idiot again because I'm wondering if I'm supposed to get naked or not. I still haven't decided by the time she gets out of the bathroom so I just follow her lead. T-shirt and underwear it is.

We're lying next to each other on that narrow futon and both of us it takes us forever to fall asleep and all that time I've got all these questions spinning in my head. What the fuck am I doing here? Should I rub her back? Cuddle her? Maybe just casually put a hand on her ass? Yeah that'd be smooth as fuck now would it? I'm such a fucking idiot how the hell did I ever get laid? Eventually sleep catches up with me and I pass out. I still have both my hands by my side like a fucking mannequin.

In the morning I wake up first and my spirits lift up. Like that monkey on my back went for a piss or something. First of all I'm not alone. I've just woken up with this really hot chick next to me. So that's pretty good. And I haven't gotten axe-murdered in my sleep or bitten by some fucking bed bugs so that anxiety quietens down a bit. And the sun is shining straight into the apartment (because of course she doesn't have any curtains) and it makes the place look nicer and roomier and less dingy and more... I don't know... homey or something. Even gray-as-fuck guy looks like he finally has some color on his cheeks. And I turn toward her to look at her and God...

I'm a sucker for a girl in the morning light. I know I haven't described her before but she's got long blond hair and in the sunlight it just looks golden. And her skin... I don't know how to describe it. I was going to say the sun is making it look all pink but that would just make it sound like she's got some skin condition or something. So I'll settle for glowing even though that's cliché as fuck. She's so goddamn beautiful. Nothing of her just jumps up at you. Not her ass or her tits or even her face, but she's slim and everything is just the right size to go with everything else and the blanket's mostly off of her right now and I can't help but wonder what it all looks like without that t-shirt and panties. She's still sleeping and her mouth is slightly open and her face against the pillow is just a bit, I don't know... round or something. Again, she's not fat or anything. If anything she's a bit too skinny but her face is a bit round and pretty like some girls' faces are sometimes. Now you guys are going to think I've got a goddamned infatuation with Buffy, which I don't, but her face kind of looks like that a bit. Like young first season Buffy, not the older Buffy from when the show kind of sucked. Anyway, I know I'm not even close to making her sound even close to how good she looks at that moment. I just hope you're not thinking she looks like a fucking troll or something.

She wakes up and finds me staring at her like an idiot like that. And she smiles at me but that just makes me stammer and I try to find something cool or witty or charming to say but all that comes up is something along the lines of: I'm sorry I didn't make a move last night... I mean you're very beautiful... I mean I didn't know if you'd invited me over for sex or not, you know sometimes girls don't want sex... I mean I'm sorry, I should have made a move. You know, just basically apologizing for not trying to date rape her. Like all smooth-as-fuck Don Juans do the morning after.

But boy I must be one fucking charming idiot because she doesn't say anything and instead she reaches over and kisses me. And I can't believe my luck but by now I've wisened up so I just shut up and kiss her back. I try not to overdo it though, so I just kiss back and very casually put a hand on her hip because I'm still not sure exactly what's going on here.

But God bless her she doesn't mind taking the lead. Her mouth opens and I open mine. And she puts a hand on my ass so I caress hers. And her tongue comes out to tickle mine and mine tickles right back.

She pushes me on my back and she's like on a mission to kiss every single bit of exposed skin. She kisses my neck and my forearms, she pushes my shirt up a bit to kiss my stomach, she kisses my thighs. And all the while she's got her hands on my chest rubbing up and down and I just can't believe my luck.

So I lie there on my back and she's kissing my inner thighs and my dick just goes from zero to hard in five seconds flat. I mean it's just going nuts down there bobbing up and down every time her lips touch me somewhere and I'm pretty sure by now it's sticking out the leg of my boxers. And I'm still just a little bit stupid because I remember thinking Yeah once she notices that if she keeps kissing then surely it means she wants to fuck. I told you I'm an idiot.

But anyway, story of my life. I may be thick for a long time but eventually I wisen up and now I know it's on. So I have her lay on her back and I return the favor. I kiss her earlobe and her neck and her arms. And when I'm kissing her thighs she moans and I can now smell her under her panties. There's just no mistaking what that smell is. Even in her weird smelling apartment the scent of sex just cuts through the air like a fucking knife. So I pull her panties down and down and down. And at first I'm thinking she must not have any hair down there because I pull and I pull but I can't see anything. But I pull some more and I finally see her bush but it's that barely-there kind of thing, just a few long strands of blond hair that barely cover anything.

Her pussy is pink and soft and she's got these kind of big puffy lips you know? Like nice and soft and round and pressed against each other with just this slit between them hinting at where the good stuff is. I mean I know this makes me sound like a fucking perv but give me a fucking break. I haven't gotten laid in a while and at this point my dick is just hard as fuck and it's chafing against my boxers trying to get out. So what's between her legs is kind of forefront in my mind you know?

But I want to be the good guy so I take my time and I'm not going to just dive straight for that. So first I push her shirt up and I kiss her belly. She's naked from the waist down and she's got her legs spread and her arms above her head and her back is slightly arched against the pillow and she's just letting me have my way with her. I push the shirt up even more and her breasts just look so tiny with her lying down like that but I still grab a handful and I squeeze softly. Her nipples are hard and I take them in my mouth but then she tells me no, she wants me to just tease them with the tip of my tongue. So I lap at them. I start at the bottom right at edge of the skin there and I lap up all the way to the tip. God it feels good to finally do that to a girl. I mean I just go crazy caresssing her and lapping at these things like there's no goddamn tomorrow. And she's clearly enjoying it and she breathes hard and every once in a while she lets out a little moan and she tells me how much she likes it. And soon the shirt's off and she moves her hand down between her legs and I take that as the final go ahead sign. The final fucking bat-sign I've been waiting for all this time.

My pants are right there on the floor next to the futon so I reach out and grab a condom and when I enter her she doesn't moan but she lets out that little sound that's like a squeak or a whimper or something. This sort of soft Eeeeeek or Eeeeep or just some sharp intake of breath I don't know. But I'll take that squeaky whimper thing over any fucking moan any fucking day of the week. That whimper and the sight of her naked. I mean she's just so goddamn beautiful. And her legs spread open under me... Good God. It's been so long since I've had sex I know I'm not going to last long so I take it nice and slow, pacing myself so I don't finish before her.

We kiss some more and she's still got an arm above her head and my hands are just going over every single part of her body that I can get my hands on. And after a while of that I do that lapping thing with her nipples again and now she's moaning. Like really fucking moaning this time. Yeah now that gets me fucking going. I put my hands firmly down on each side of her on the futon and I start really going at it. I mean not too hard and not too rough but I get a good pace going, deep and satisfying. Even through the condom I can feel her and every single ridges and folds in there and it feels so fucking good. And she likes it too and she's got her eyes closed and she's doing that sexy lip bite thing and she's rubbing her clit faster and faster.

She just looks so fucking good naked under me like that with her golden hair and her glowing skin and her tiny tits. And her whole body is moving up and down each time I thrust in and her nipples are bouncing up and down and her head's back over the pillow and her neck looks all white and soft. Yeah I mean don't go thinking I'm an animal or anything but by now we're really going at it and I'm thrusting and thrusting and I can feel my back getting kind of sweaty and her neck just looks so goddman... inviting. I mean I'm a sucker for a girl's neck when she's got her head back like that. So my hand goes up and I pet her side and I grab her nipples on the way and I pinch them a bit but when I put a hand on that white neck of hers she really clenches tight. I mean I'm not going to press hard or choke her or anything but I've got a nice grip on the back of her neck and my thumb's tickling her throat there and her pussy clenches tight around my dick and she moans louder and louder. It's getting pretty fucking difficult for me to keep going without bursting, but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do so I do my best not to think about shit that's too fucking sexy right at this fucking moment.

Finally her moans become more of a scream. Well, I mean not a scream exactly but sort of this Ahhhhhh that sounds more like a singer clearing her throat than this full on help-me-I'm-getting-stabbed-repeatedly scream that you hear all the time in porn. But that Ahhhhh's fucking sexy man. And I can feel her clench again and again and again around my dick and she's shaking and shaking so ok now I know I'm good to go. The unsexy thoughts are out the door and I really take her in and just burn the image of her shaking and naked in my mind. And it probably doesn't even take a second and I'm cumming too. And I'm shaking and jerking and pressing my cock as deep as I can between her legs and I can feel her still shaking too. And we're like that for what seems like a while but I know it's probably just five seconds or something. But it feels like a good long damn while.

So anyway that's how we fucked the first time. We dated for a while after that so there were many others. And I'm going to sound like a fucking asshole but I sure enjoyed bringing her home for a while and have my asshole roommate have to hear us go at it. I don't know. I know it's fucking stupid but it just made me feel better about that Tuesday night at the bar you know? And for a while I tried to be good to her. I mean I didn't just try, I was good to her. But she had more issues than I could cope with. Her parents and that cult thing had really done a fine job fucking her up. So after a while we split up. And I guess it's kind of a sad thing to say but I wasn't too sad when it happened. It's one of those things where you just know you couldn't really have done anything differently. Anyway, she was a real boost for me at a time when I was feeling pretty fucking low, and I can only hope that now when she looks back on our time together she thinks I did the same for her.

So as I said, not Romeo fucking Juliet, just boy meets girl.