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My warped sexlife and possible advice for the future | 2016

This is going to be a long post but I am just going to state things pretty simply as there would be too much otherwise. Thanks for reading!

When my ex and I were still dating we used to be pretty kinky in a lot of ways. When I was 19 and she was 17 we had a lot of odd sex. We had a very obvious sub-dom relationship and she was entirely under my thumb. The usual spanking and throat-fuck punishment occurred pretty much weekly. We'd been going out since we were about 14-16 and had learnt a lot together about ourselves but I realised I suppose that I was becoming kind of warped.

I had a number of secrets that I eventually told her. I was a cuckold and got off a lot to the thoughts of her being taken by strangers, sometimes raped (I do realise this isn't right), I had strong lustful feelings for her mother and at the time I thought she was extremely hot but worse of all I had been struggling internally for years with thoughts about my own sister.

I realise at this point you may be thinking this is a load of rubbish but I assure you I very much realised I was not right at all and felt quite hopeless and disgusted with myself on a daily basis. Eventually one night I worked up the courage to tell my gf literally every dark secret about me, I was shaking as I did. Another weird thing occurred to me too. I was getting off to it. I realise and still do that I am addicted to the taboo. I don't know if this is a genuine mental problem I am suffering from but we devised a plan at the time to deal with it.

My gf acted out all the fantasies I wanted. She pretended (and dressed up) as both her mother and my sister. When she was her mother she would be quite dominating and even fingered me in the ass. She would also pretend to be my sister and jerk me off calling me brother and things like that. I don't know if she was disgusted in me but she clearly wanted to help. I suppose oddly enough it was these that didn't have nearly as big effect on our relationship as the cuckold fetish.

I specifically had a fetish of big black cocks taking her and dominating her. I honestly felt at the time that I was a racist, I did not like blacks and I don't know perhaps this perpetuated the view. It's also important to note where I come from racism is totally unacceptable, there was no way around that I was not normal on most things. Just before we broke up we had some crazy sex whilst on a holiday in France. When my gf's family was out (who had brought me on the family holiday) we started to have sex, I took her doggy style and often during sex would be quite dominating making her call me things such as 'daddy' and 'master' and saying 'thank you' etc. This time I told her, with a rush of blood going to my head, to scream out that she loved being fucked by loads of black cocks. I made her scream out as loud as possible as we knew we were totally alone. Eventually we decided to take it up a notch and we did it on her parents bed whilst she screamed how much she loved black cock. I finished and had never had such amazing intense sex before in my life. I loved it. Sadly we broke up not long after but for other reasons not related to this.

I've not really covered nearly all the things that went on in this warped relationship but you get the gist of it. The problem is aside from the sister and mother thing (which have now totally been removed from my system) I still have these strange cuckold fetish thoughts over my ex. We did end up meeting up one more time and doing something similar, though not actual sex but just about everything else. I haven't seen her since though we talk.

My point is I still feel extremely racist yet I masturbate over thoughts of my ex, whom I still feel strongly for, being taken by black men. I honestly do not know what is wrong with me. Warped is the word I use to describe myself. I feel disgusted often with myself but genuinely don't know what to do. Can anyone help give me some advice? I am 20 now I don't know if this makes any difference.

Thank you for reading. I will take any messages and PMs if you wish to discuss anything with me. I understand this may seem like a lying post but I can assure this is me, I am genuinely this disturbed and do not know what to do with myself.

Edit: My ex went on to have a number of one night stands and this only made the feelings for her come back stronger than ever. Not sure if that's important.