My Tinder Adventures, the comical adventures of Joseph. | 2016

My name is Joseph, I have been using Tinder for the past 12 months and these are some of my adventures. Rather than pick one of them to tell I am going to give each one a title and short description and offer Reddit a choice! What do you want to hear??

1, Would you mind fucking me in the alley?

A short tale of a quiet Asian woman with a secret desire.

2, We all got to sin somehow? :)

A sensual Mother Teressa.

3, I never do this on the first date.

She was everything: beautiful, rich, clever and involved in a cult.

4, The deranged doctor

Doctors can have problems to! Some deeply, deeply terrifying problems.

5, Cat Lady.

You know when a girl sends you a sexy photo? It was just like that but with pictures of cats.

6, The Cheerleader

Ah America, your best export are your women.

7, My Ex Best friends cousin,

So not worth it..... Or was it?

I even have a trilogy!!

Dumb Ass: Best ways to fuck up a good thing

How to fuck up a good thing.. right before valentines day.

9, Dumb-Ass 2: The Dumb-Ass strikes again

Whats better than fucking up one good thing before valentines day?

10, Dumb-Ass 3: My Sisters Best Friend

Now this time its personal.

Update:

Ill start with number 1.

One drizzly Sunday, I the hero (very loose definition of hero) of this story, am in bed nursing a hugeb hangover, trying to forget how much money I have spent the previous night by watching an entire series of Archer and swiping right on Tinder (ROI much higher on this strategy than any other), and after a few highly, highly questionable matches Mel pop’s up. Mel happens to be at first glance a really attractive Asian woman, with dark skin a tight body and a pretty face. Now I am stocky white boy, I am equal opportunity skirt chaser, I have in my 20 something years made love to every ethnicity I can get my hands on (more than some less than others). So we start messaging and have a laugh about what we are both doing and then organize to do drinks in the city that Tuesday night, though I do flag with her that it’s my mates birthday that night so we may have to go meet some of my friends at some point.

Anyway before you know it its Tuesday and we meet up at this a bar in the rocks (On a side note one of my golden rules of using tinder is that I will only meet girls I find on tinder during week nights and only for drinks, that way you have an easy out if things go bad). So I get to the bar early and have a drink and play the waiting game, and I must admit like all first meetings I am a concerned the girl I meet won’t be anywhere near as attractive as the photos online led me to believe. Anyway as Im contemplating the life I lead, Mel walks through the door and the first thing I think is TFFT (Thank Fuck For Tinder) I mean this girl is fine (Just like the photos but with nice big C cups), first thing I do is ask what she wants to drink and she asks for a double JD and coke and at this point I’m smiling ear to ear.

So we proceed to pound some drinks (god can this girl drink) and I find out, on top of being really hot, she is a pretty epic human: came over here on a full scholarship paid for by the Malaysian government (god I love smart women) studied engineering, fell in love moved out of the city and then became a professional gambler, that ended and now she is back in the city looking to party.

Fast forward a few hours, many drinks and we start to hook up and I'm starting to get ideas, but my fucking phone keeps vibrating and my boys are giving me unending shit for not coming to this bar and I think fine, I’ll cut to the bar with her have a drink or two and see if I can’t get her back to mine. This is where shit starts fucking up, we go to one bar and they have moved and then another and another. I try to give up but at this point she wants to meet my mates and I'm thinking we will try one last bar.

So we get to this bar where I call the boys they are down there its now midnight and I have wasted 2 hours trying to find these guys and I am certain that Mel is thinking why has this loser dragged me half way across the city. So we get to this bar in the middle of the fucking city (I mean central CBD) and there is a massive line and at this point we are both laughing and kissing and laughing and kissing and then more kissing and as I pull her in towards me I notice there is a n L shaped alley running of next to the bar.

So I look her in the eye, bob my head towards the alley and turn back, now I can remember to this day what went across her face. First confusion (What the fuck does her mean), second realization (Oh that alley is kind of hidden), third confirmation (you really meaning to fuck me in an alley after pulling me half way across the city to see your friends?) then and beautifully then, why has it taken you this fucking long!

So we walk down the alleyway and take the right and I push her onto the wall and slide my hand down her pants. Now my friends she is dripping and as I lightly play with her she starts to whimper like a hungry animal begging to be fucked as she fumbles with my suit pants (Oh I’m in a suit, came straight from work, not ideal really) once she gets my pants down I spin her spin her around plant her head on the side of the wall as her hands grasp a nearby water pipe, push lift up her dress, pull down her panties, get out this nice C cup titties, take a deep breath look up and thank god or Allah or whatever deity blessed me with this and begin fucking her, with all the grace and gentleness of a wolf astride a wounded antelope.

Now as I mentioned this is not the secluded spot I had hoped for and people are stoping and looking down the alleyway but this isn’t my first rodeo and here’s a tip, when someone stops and looks at you fucking a girl from behind in a dark alley, be neighbourly: smile, wave, nod your head at them, what you are trying to non-verbally communicate to quote Martha Stewart Is that “It’s a good thing.”

So in the fullness of time with her long black hair in one hand and my other hand on her fantastic arse, I finish. As we both straighten up and I start pulling up my pants and looking for a place to leave me protective globe and she pull her dress down and gets those breasts back into the confine I realized them from we share a look, a smile and both come to the same conclusion….. that was fun! I wonder where else we can explore.

So slightly shame faced we exit the alleyway and jump in a cab and ride back to mine. Now while in the cab we are not exactly behaving, I am trying to engage the cab driver and talk about Sikh religions turbulent relationship with the Muslim religion while subtly finger fucking Mel in the backseat. Long story short we get out a little before me house, fuck for a litte one a tree and then a car and just slowly wander back to mine.

No while we are walking me and Mel start talking and it turns out she is a very sexually adventurous (so am I it turns out) and up for pretty much anything I have in mind (I floated about every obscene thing I have ever done and then everyone I had just heard about) as long as its somewhat risqué and involves public sex, so I hatch a plan. Now as you may have guessed, I’m a little warped. One of my neighbours constantly annoys me; the man is a mean spirited, money/status hungry, shallow little man. While never one for revenge I have always thought I could tolerate his shit somewhat better if I were able in some way defile something that was precious to them and , my neighbour has this god awful wooden table he bought for an obscene amount of money in his back yard, which he keeps bragging about. My plan as I explain to Mel well we get a cheeky meat pie at my local 7- 11 and buy some lube, is to break into his back yard (she is excited now) in order for me to sodomize her on it (now looking at the lube in my tomato sauce stained hand with what i imagine is a sense of fear).

Now as we walk there she warms to the idea, I tell her about what a horrible person he is and how I would love to hear him talk to me about his new 5 grand bench knowing I had committed sodomy on it. Slowly but surely she warms to the idea and her objections become more practical (she is an engineer after all) and less philosophical. Anyway we reach his back yard and scale the fence with ease (I have pissed there on a few drunk occasions). Now we all have pretty long back yards on my street, enough for you to park to cars easily in and, he, I must admit has done his up well and this table (its a Dark wooden table with two long benches underneath it) is the center piece of the whole affair, must be able to sit at-least ten people. Anyway we tip toe over to it giggling a little, but otherwise trying to be as much like ninjas as we can as I can see the light is is on in his house, once we are at the base she bends over (her panties are long gone), hikes up her dress and with the moon light dancing of the table I pull on my last remaining condom, liberally apply the lube on my member.

Now anal in the real world, if you ever want a girl to do it with you more than once is a slow affair to begin with. Even a well-conditioned filly needs time to relax those tight muscles before she can begin to enjoy herself. So we start slow, as I slide my cock in her still wet pussy I insert an exploitative finger (which she takes like a champ), then another (she let out a gasp here), then once I had judged she was nice and relaxed and comfortable with being penetrated in that most holy of holy places I remove myself from her and with some degree of fumbling and position re-adjustment I manage to get my tip correctly aligned and begin the final stage of operation commit sodomy on neighbours pride and joy.

Alas I did not take my own advice. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was full moon, maybe it was hubris and maybe it was Mel’s growing groans of pleasure and maybe just maybe it was my own primal need to be man and fuck the living day lights out of my wiliing partner but, for whatever reason I threw caution to the wind and started really smashing her as hard as I could. The noises she was making at this point, where fierce and primal and in no way conducive to us remaining hidden. I however am drunk as a lord and moments away from achieving one of my fantasies, and as such do not give a flying fuck about anything than achieving singularity of purpose. Which I do in blazing fashion, with my hands squeezing Mels tits and pulling her nearly upright. I tell you gentle readers it was everything I could hope for.

However all to soon the reality of what I had done settled in on me along with the consequences of being caught. So on come the pants of goes the condom onto the table and I am dragging Mel as quickly as I can towards the small fence we had clambered over. Once over it we start bolting as far as we can away from the house. To this day I have no idea how I was caught. From here the story gets boring we go back to mine crack some wine laugh for an hour or so an then go to bed.

That’s my first Tinder story