Plan B - M/F | 2016

Samantha had a phenomenal body. Her eyes were two different colors. I thought she looked a lot better with straight hair, but it was naturally curly. She was a few years younger than me and had gone to the same high school. She had to have been around the tenth girl I’d slept with at the time. It had been when I was living in college.

Originally, I had run into her a few times on my own. It was either at a party, school, or even the mall that one time. However, I became friends with her through my good friend Desean. He had a crush on her. That being said, it’s not as bad as it sounds because what would come to pass was the result of Desean’s own actions. He had only himself to blame.

Desean and I had planned out a double date. He was supposed to woo Samantha while I courted her friend Emily. This wouldn’t be the first time we had done this, since Desean had been continuously hanging out with Samantha. She even came to my apartment a few times with friends. I recall making out with one of them while Desean stood idly by and did nothing with Samantha.

See Desean wasn’t truly into Samantha. Even if he was, he would later prove that he was in it just for the sex. Sure, he had her on a pedestal but that doesn’t mean anything except that he had called dibs on something he would never experience. That’s probably one of my greatest pet peeves, calling dibs. Desean was kind of like that but not as bad as some other people I know. Those guys would practically call squatting rights on an entire bar. I don’t play that game.

Regardless, I went out on yet another double date with Desean. I offered to pick everyone up in my old car, a Mustang, that could fit all four of us. Desean’s courtship at this point must have been approaching a year. I was convinced he meant nothing to her especially after he began to ignore my phone calls. I was supposed to pick him up first but the only time he answered he said, “I don’t know man. I don’t think I’m going to go. I have to handle something, but I’ll let you know. Peace.”

I was speechless. This night had been set up days ago. I was actually running late. I got in a, “Really?” before he hung up. Samantha’s house was nearby and she was waiting for me to pick her up next. When I got to her place, she jumped in as I was trying to get through to Emily.

"I just talked to Emily," Samantha explained. "She says she can’t make it anymore. I think she got in trouble for staying out too late or something."

"Well screw these guys. Desean basically hung up on me and told me he’d get back to me, maybe." I was visibly frustrated. "How about we say fuck them and just drive straight into the city now?"

"Yea! Definitely, I’m in!" Samantha seemed to appreciate the spontaneity of the situation. She put on her seat belt as I sped up North towards the Lincoln Tunnel. Desean was without a doubt trying to sleep with some other girl he had just met. I correctly called him out on it later.

I didn’t know what the night had in store for the two of us. Samantha was attractive enough to be the kind of girl who would catch you stealing looks at her during class. She’d make you blush as you turned away and feigned interest in something else. So I was a bit anxious, but at the same time I wasn’t planning on doing anything with her. She was Desean’s crush. If anything, I would simply show her a good time and just do my best to infuriate Desean for being a flaky bitch.

I mentioned several places to her that we could get her into, since she was 18. She was hesitant because she didn’t want to get either of us in trouble. I calmed her fears by assuring her that the places we were going to were the ones I frequented when I was under 21. I had just recently hit the drinking age.

I eventually drove us to a lounge bar in Midtown. I was lost for awhile and we laughed about our misfortunes, but it was fun for the most part. I parked and walked us to the lounge. A large bouncer initially demanded to see her ID. “Come on man, she forgot her purse at home,” I stated.

"Need to see ID," the bouncer responded.

I turned to Samantha, “You know what, fuck it. Let’s go somewhere else.”

The bouncer then reached out and touched my arm. “Alright man, come in.”

Even though I didn’t really act bad ass in the least, I’m almost positive this was what turned her on about me. She seemed impressed. It might’ve simply been due to the fact that I was able to get her in. Other than that, I was my usual self. I wasn’t actively pursuing her, but I allowed any charm I had that night to flow freely.

We took pictures, drank, and talked for some time. Once we had enough, we decided to drive back home. She was eager to post pictures of us on Facebook. Once I got home, my Facebook already had pictures tagged as well as a post that said she had an unbelievable time with me.

My friend Alex was having a party the following night at his place. Desean had been there throughout the day drinking. He was most likely there the night before attempting to seduce some drunk girl. It was probably the best move for him, although it did effectively put Samantha on my radar. With a beauty like that, how could I possibly resist?

I called up Samantha and told her about the party. I then drove both Emily and her to Alex’s house and we walked in together. The party was densely packed, but there were a few dozen people there. Half the party was outside, while the other was scattered throughout separate rooms in the basement. Desean stayed outside, smoking and drinking with about seven people. I stayed inside and played beer pong with Samantha.

I won game after game with her. It was unprecedented. If I couldn’t nail a cup, she’d either knock it off the table or sink it with a laser shot. It was incredible. We kept giving each other high fives and hugged constantly. Desean must have seen, but he remained outside almost as if he was avoiding her. I was beginning to consider her fair game.

On a side note, Samantha’s friend from one of my own apartment parties quietly showed up. I had made out with her at my place and even taken her to a park that had a nice view later on. I remember trying to take it further in the car, but she stopped me over the pants. I wasn’t attracted to her. That was simply me being a wing man at the time and just trying to get laid. Now she was basically following me around town. She didn’t say much to me at the party, especially as she witnessed Samantha and I embrace each other repeatedly. She did later send me a message on Facebook berating me for giving her the cold shoulder before blocking me. So it goes.

I’m not sure if the cold shoulder chick left before things escalated. It was getting late and Samantha and I had just won our final game of beer pong by a landslide. I don’t know what came over me, but rather than hugging her one final time, I kissed her. It was hesitant at first, but we started getting into it rather quickly. I may have been wary of her friend while she was of Desean, but all caution was thrown to the wind.

It was a week later when we decided to hang out again. I hated texting, but I kept at it and eventually we made plans to hang out at my apartment. It would be a half hour drive for her but she insisted that it was no problem for her. She also had navigation to make it easier.

At the time, I actually shared a large room with my friend Matt. Aaron had his own smaller room to himself, while we all shared an even bigger living room. Sharing a room with Matt wasn’t at all a negative. We both had full sized beds and had about four to five feet of space between them. Towards the front of the room were two separate walk in closets. We paid about 28% of the total rent each. It was a steal.

I didn’t have anything but a movie planned out for Samantha and I didn’t even have the decency to dress up. I had track pants on and a white t-shirt. I wasn’t particularly good with women back then, so working out was something I was still almost addicted to. As a result, I seemed to think that I could wear anything I wanted and still pull it off. I guess I did that night.

We were most likely watching How I Met Your Mother. I loved the first three seasons of the show and it had been my go to DVD for dates. I never watched sitcoms then, but a Norwegian girl I’d been dating had gotten me hooked on Ted Mosby’s quest to find his wife. It was more Jason Segel being awesome than anything, but the show was definitely fun to watch.

Matt left as I put in the DVD. He was off to work out and had his head phones already in place. Samantha and I barely got through the opening sequence. We started making out when she mentioned how great my cologne smelled. I smiled and started to think about the song, What’s My Age Again? by Blink 182. It stayed with me as she took off my pants and I turned off the TV. That’s about the time we walked into my bedroom.

Everything escalated. We went from making out to full fledged nudity in seconds. My track pants fell easily to my ankles as she laid down on my bed. I took off her tights, or whatever the hell those black leggings are called, and climbed over her. We continued to kiss as we began to have sex.

A minute or so in she stops me. “Do you have a condom?”

I pulled out and said, “Yea, sure. Give me a second.” I laid down by her side as I reach over to the window ledge that stretched across the room over the head of both beds. There were some half full Coca-Cola bottles as well as wrappers and coins. I brushed aside a Gatorade bottle and found a condom. Looking back, our room was dirty as hell, but hey, it was college.

I looked at the condom to make sure the wrapper was in tact. It was one of those free NYC condoms that Matt and I had no doubt taken by the handful from some bar. I thought it was odd that one side of it was clear though. To make things even more odd, the condom was blue. I shrugged my shoulder as I tore it open with my mouth and put it on.

When condoms are free, it’s usually for a reason. In this case, it proved to be too small. Now, I’m not trying to imply I’m extremely well endowed, really. I mean, Samantha certainly thought so as she freely expressed it over the course of our unofficial relationship. I’m just saying that free condoms probably don’t have the best quality control. Anyway, I haphazardly disregarded how tight it was and did my best to put it on before the momentum of the night was lost. I stretched it out and rolled it on while ignoring the rubber that was suffocatingly painful. I might’ve snapped the rubber a few times, emphasizing the painful experience.

Eventually I was all set. I had again begun to have sex with Samantha. Things went well for a handful of minutes. Oddly enough, the sex began to get better as it went on. It was almost too good. I even began to panic because I realized I didn’t have much longer before I finished. I did everything in my power to slow down the inevitable. All the football statistics in the world couldn’t help me though. I cursed myself as I came. Samantha was nice and hid her disappointment.

I lay down beside her again. This time I stared at the ceiling wondering what went wrong. I felt around for the condom when I realized it must have broken. I couldn’t even find the ring which would have to be there if it had in fact broken. There was nothing there at all. It was as if the condom had simply vanished.

"I…I-I can’t find the condom," I told Samantha.

"What?" She got up and leaned forward. "What do you mean you can’t find it?"

"I thought it broke or something but I just can’t find it."

I started patting around and lifting the sheets but it was futile. I gave up and turned on the lights as Samantha joined the search. We started to laugh as I pulled the bed aside and looked around the sides. I even looked up at the ceiling.

"Do you think it might have slipped off?" she asked me.

"It was pretty tight… I don’t know, maybe?"

"Well, we should probably get Plan B," she added.

"What’s Plan B?"

"It’s the morning after pill. You can get it at most pharmacies."

"Oh… All right. Well, I guess you keep looking for it and I’ll go handle that."

"Okay," she said while flashing a fake smile.

I got dressed and power walked out of the room. Matt was back and in the living room. I was about to ignore him and storm out of the apartment when he stopped me. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

"The fucking condom slipped out inside of her!" I whispered fiercely.

Matt chuckled. “What do you mean it slipped off inside her?”

"I mean we can’t fucking find it! I’m going to go get Plan B right now."

"Dude, just fucking relax. It’s not the end of the world," Matt assured me.

"Whatever, got to go."

The first pharmacy I went to was closed. Still, I ignorantly jogged through the aisles near the pharmacy looking for the wonder pill. I started off in the condoms section and veered into the over the counter medication area. As desperation took over, I started to sprint through any aisle that had white plastic pill containers. My last resort was the hygiene section as I lost my breath and decided to give up.

I quickly arrived at my apartment again panting relentlessly. I ignored Matt as he did his infamous chuckle and I jogged back into my room. Samantha was dressed, sitting on my bed. I closed the door as she ran up to me. She had a horrified look on her face since I was desperately trying to catch my breath.

"What’s the matter!?" she asked worryingly.

"Oh-nothing. Don’t. Worry." I smiled. "I was just running around because the place was closed. Couldn’t find it."

"Ohh, well there are other places. I know a CVS that’s open 24 hours we can go to."

"Good news," I said as we laughed and I slowly regained my breath.

As we were driving to the pharmacy, I asked her, “Did you ever find that condom?”

"Yea…" She paused. "It was inside me."

"Oh…"

"Yea…" Another pause. "Where did you get a blue condom?"

"You don’t want to know." I looked away. "Well, how deep was it?"

"You don’t want to know."

I parked in the CVS parking lot and left her waiting in the car. The pharmacy was open and there was an old man with a mustache working behind the counter. I walked over and said, “Hello.”

"Can I be of assistance." His voice was kind and he seemed like a pleasant man.

"Sure, I was wondering if you had Plan B," I said plainly. There was a period of silence before I thought to correct myself. "The morning after pill-"

He cut me off. “Yes. Yes, we do.” His eyes froze as they stared me down. There was another period of silence as he seemed to be judging my entire life. “Identification.”

I pulled out my wallet and gave him my license. A slight wave of panic hit me. I thought, maybe you had to be over 21 to buy it. Then I thought, maybe the girl had to be there. Even worse, I thought I’d be put into some national data base and that my future plans to run for President would then be kaput.

The pharmacist put my license down on the counter and walked away. He then came back with a box. “$58.85.” I was shocked at the price but figured it was what it was. I gave him my credit card in an attempt to escape his damning stares as quickly as possible.

I got back in the car and gave Samantha the case of pills. She opened it up and swallowed one pill. She then crumpled up the box.

"Wait, what about the other pills?" I asked

"There’s only one," she declared. "Don’t worry." She smiled at my ignorance. "It only takes one. I’ve taken it before."

"Oh…"

"It basically makes you have your period again," she stated. I smiled off that unnecessary piece of information.

I then drove us back to my apartment so she could pick up her car and go home. I kissed her good night before and after she got into her car. I promised to hang out with her soon.

I then walked back inside while contemplating the absurdity of the night. Matt was still in the living room and broke out in laughter because I was actually sweating. “What the hell have you been doing?” he asked.

"I think some pharmacist Pro-Life guy is going to hunt me down."

"What?"

"When I bought that pill the guy went from Mr. Friendly to "Fuck you and your family" and I’m pretty sure he knows where I live now," I explained.

Matt laughed. “So what happened to the condom?”

"It was one of those free NYC blue condoms. That shit didn’t fit. I had to stretch it out and basically slap it on." Matt laughed louder. "It must have shot up her vagina like a sling shot."

I still could not believe the condom had reacted that way. I was vaguely curious as to how long it took her to actually find it. I even wondered how far deep it had gotten. Regardless, I figured no more free condoms. Hell, maybe I could buy Magnums now with a straight face. Probably not.