Totally True Car Action 23(MF) | 2016

I've always found myself in awkward situations with women, probably because I take whatever is offered and never pursue anyone. Ugly girl at the bar, check. Large chick I walked past and winked at, check. The chick who used to give blowjobs for bags of weed in the back of the club? Check.

So anyway, I'm hanging out at the bar one night a few weeks back. This is really bothering me so I'll just write it all out. I'm hanging out at the bar and this girl comes up to me. She's a solid 6, dressed a little trashy, starts talking about some boring shit on TV. I bought her a drink and we chatted. She's heading out, so I decide it's a good time to bolt and I walk out with her. I hold the door for her and once we get outside we say goodnight and I can see she's hesitating. I end up making out with her in her car. The making out is strange, she's all tongue, so much tongue that it's like I'm licking a tongue lollypop that's being jammed in my mouth. Whatever, I'm usually always horny so I can put up with it if this goes somewhere. So we make out for awhile and then I say I need to get up early and try to get her to text me so I can delete that shit when I get home. She says, "at least let me give you a blow job". Um, okay. So she starts giving me head right in the parking lot. I've got a big dick, 14" medium thick. It's so big it usually only gets half-hard. She doesn't mention anything about it, but she takes my half-hard dick in her mouth and gives me a toothy hooker-style blowjob. It ain't working for me so she tells me to lean back, she has a surprise. I do it and as I'm waiting, I hear some shuffling like she's digging in her purse. Next think I know, she's straddling me in the pasenger seat and trying to ram my giant dick into her dry little hole. I mean, really, at least ask first. I'm flopping around like a wet rag and she's trying to stick her tongue fully in my mouth while bouncing off my flacid dick with her dry vag. I look down and see she's completely unshaven, and hairy (she's Italian), her breath smells like beer and some shit she ate five hours ago, like something is rotting in her stomache (I'm assuming she just burped or something. Anyway, into this horrible bouncing, almost-sex she says she's dry and she wants me to eat her out. What the fuck is wrong with me, I think as I slide down in the seat and she puts her crotch on my face. Her hairy, dry crotch, only I notice it's not really dry, it's kinda oily. Not lube, just greasy, like your fingers after you eat french fries. It was dry, french fry crotch. So she's got these big Italian labia going on and with that bush I'm having trouble finding her clit, but I pick something that seems harder than the rest of her snatch and kinda lick it and she moans and acts like she's having an orgasm or something when there is no fucking way she's coming from the half-assed pussy eating I'm doing on her old deep fryer crotch. Anyway, she fakes it for awhile, while I'm not even sure she knows what a real orgasm looks or sounds like. That's when she passed gas. Not a lot, but enough and I could feel the hot breeze on my chin. It took a few seconds for it to register with whatever animal instincts control these things, but I was gonna puke. I sat up and rolled over at the same time and she kinda fell on her side while I was puking in the driver's seat and she was scrambling and screaming at me to open the door but I'm like, fuck it you farted on my face I can puke in your car, bitch. So it wasn't a lot of puke, just kinda some wet dry heaves if that makes sense, with some shit up in my nose and I'm kinda gagging. I half sit up back in the seat, and start to pull my pants up when she jumps on me. My dick is totally soft now, so she starts yanking it like it's a rubber chicken in a pot and say hold up, what are you doing. She starts screaming at me something about her brother will kill me, then she starts crying and then she says she's never had an orgasm before. Well fuck, crazy much? Then I do the worst thing I've done all night. I stick my fingers in her hairy dry crotch and start feeling around for something to rub. I kinda find her clit, or whatever it was, maybe a mole in her pubes or something but I rub it awhile and she comes out and says she came once before but it was by anal. Jesus christ, anal? That's like my fantasy right there and I had never done it before. I don't have any lube or anything, but I say, seriously now, "let me fuck your ass". She goes quiet for some reason, then opens the compartment between the seats and pulls out some hand lotion. So I rub up my dick and grab a glob to rub on her and she starts screaming fucking like crazy saying "my ass is burning, what the fuck". I'm stunned, my dick is finally hard and I'm about to fuck her ass and then I smell it. Purell. I pumped the wrong bottle and rubbed fucking rubbing alcohol on her ass. Now I know I'm done, but my dick is hard so I decided to just try jamming it in there. Her ass is way, way too tight for me and I don't get anywhere, but I'm able to jam it against her ass crack enough times that I feel like I could come so I just start jackhammering her crack and the space between her thighs as best I can with the lotion amlost gone, then a car pulls in next to us and I duck and she pulls up her underware and I lose my hard-on and pull on my pants. I kinda mumbled some shit and opened the door to leave and she says "I love you".