Camping with M | 2016

3 PM M texts me his flight information. He is confirmed coming over tonight, instead of tomorrow. My stomach immediately turns into knots and I start to sweat. I always feel completely out of sorts before I see him. He has been traveling for the last 2 weeks, but we seem to have talked a lot more this trip since the last time he was gone. I ask him how long he is staying, hoping for extra days, but he has to leave right when we get back from camping.

5 PM I rush home after work to shower and shave my legs. Contemplate shaving everywhere, but decide not to because we are going beach camping with naked hippies in two days. I like the feeling of myself completely shaved but don’t like the look, and I don’t like being completely bare in front of strangers.

9 PM Pick up M from the airport and he kisses me sweetly. I always get out of the car to greet him hello. He always kisses me sweetly, as if he did it everyday. I have a fleeting thought of who/where/when was the last person those lips kissed so casually was, but immediately shook the thought out of my head.

10:30 PM We arrive at home and go upstairs. It’s been a hot and sweaty day, and he asks for a shower right away. I can’t wait to get my hands on him and jump right in. He is surprisingly rough with me, bends me over and presses me up against the cold tile. I’m wet already from his hand on my knee in the car ride over. It doesn’t take much. He comes inside me and I feel like i might fall over if it wasn’t for the shower walls.

11 PM He asks when he should set his alarm for, I say 6:45. He thinks I’m asking him to set it that early so we can have sex. If it was my choice, we would have sex at least twice a day when we see each other. He thinks that it’s excessive and always teases me about wanting sex all the time.

6 AM I’m wide awake and wanting to have sex. I don’t sleep well next to people but I love the morning time when we can just lay together. He is a great cuddler. I burry my face in his chest and feel his arms and back. He doesn’t move but he knows what I want. The alarm goes off and it’s really time to go.

8 AM I drop M off at his appointment and meet up to run errands with my mom. She knows M is here but doesn’t really ask because she doesn’t approve of casual relationships.

1230 PM I pick up M again and we go do more errands. His hand is always on my leg and it drives me crazy. He kisses me all the time, and it always leaves me wanting more. We have a BBQ to stop by at, but all I want to do is go back to the house for afternoon sex. He is always so touchy and holds me close where ever we are. It’s hard to get used to. I don’t like people seeing me with him like that, since we aren’t in a relationship, but at the same time, I love it and it is so sweet to me, so I try to relax and let it happen.

4 PM We meet up with our friends who are camping with us to swap supplies. M puts in a few hours of work, when he realizes he will be without cell service or internet for the next 3 days. I worry that he will be OK, because he is a phone addict. but I hope I give him enough time and space to take care of it all.

7 PM The stress of camping and anxiety of having a pseudo boyfriend in town is getting to me. I usually don’t drink in front of M (he is in AA) but I feel like I need a margarita and order one. It’s not strong enough. We run into a family friend who was at the same wedding we were together at last month. She asks if this is the same guy and he laughs. We have been “dating” for 7 moths, but have only ever hung out on average 1-2 days once every month. We are two plane rides away from each other so every trip is a mini vacation and only happens “when it works out” aka when either of us have business in each others towns. I’ve made the trip to see him for no other reason but to see him, but M doesn’t seem to want that to happen too often.

10 PM We finally make it back home, and need to pack for camping. Walking up the stairs I ask if we can have playtime before worktime and he laughs again. Halfway through packing I take off all my clothes and lay on the bed trying to distract him. He gets on top of me and kisses my neck and says we have to keep working. I know if I tried harder I could force him, but after all the times he has teased me about always wanting sex I hold back.

5 AM The alarm goes off and I jump up and kiss him good morning. The excitement of the camping trip washed out any morning sex thoughts.

8 AM A long drive and a boat ride later we arrive in eden. The most beautiful place in the world and I am lucky enough to be here for three days with my best friend, her boyfriend and M. It feels so surreal to have him all to myself, uninterrupted.

10 AM My friend and I sunbath after the boys finish setting up camp. Bikini tops come off and I couldn’t be happier.

12 PM M makes me swim far off shore to chase dolphins. I swim slowly and miss them, but its fun to be out in the water together. We hug and kiss and fool around as much as our fins can carry us. He accidentally smears white sunscreen from his face all over my black bikini bottoms.

4 PM M and I take a walk down to the other side of the beach to take a “nap” which becomes the official code word for sex that weekend. We walk far and find a private cave to sneak into. I get on top of him and he slowly peels my bikini off. I go down on him and he asks if we can take photos of this part of the trip. I shake my head.

6 PM We make friends with a campsite next to ours. They are going to do some LSD and rave all night. I would.

8 PM Everyone is exhausted and we get ready for bed. M and I lay out under the stars for a while. When we crawl into bed I try to lay still but can’t get comfortable in the hot tent on the air mattress. I feel bad moving around so much but can’t sleep at all. From the very first night we slept next to each other, I vibe the energy he gives off and it keeps me up. I hope that M is sleeping ok at least. He reaches for my hand at one point to hold it and its my favorite moment ever.

9 AM We embark out for a day hike with our friends. M and I disagree about which direction to go. I know I am right but don’t want to be difficult or argue. He doesn’t really seem to be very happy to be here but when we finally find the swimming hole we were looking for he cheers up slightly. I tell my friends to go up a little ways and take a nap in the upper pools. At least someone will get some.

3 PM M and I break off from the group and hike a different way, his way, back to camp. It takes a lot less time, but is all downhill and a little more dangerous. It starts to rain, so he runs ahead back to camp to cover our tent and I take my time enjoying alone time for a minute.

5 PM I am relaxing in my hammock and M comes in from surfing. He suggests we go take a nap in the tent. Its super sweaty, and I feel gross and sandy, but since everyone is it’s ok. It’s quick but sexy, and then we run down to the ocean naked to rinse off, then into the fresh waterfall. It is heaven on earth.

8 PM Back at our campsite, hanging out after dinner. I share some tequila with our new friends and it makes me sleepy. M mentions something about us needing to talk about some heavy stuff out of the blue. I get anxious and sad because I assume its bad news. We go back to our tent but he passes out before we have time to talk. It rains really hard and I am up all night. I wish I had drank more tequila.

6 AM M makes jokes about me being suffocating and needing to cuddle in bed when he is the one who pulls me in all the time. My favorite way to lay is spooning when him on the inside, and he agrees. He says he is cold and tells me to stay close so I can keep him warm.

10 AM We take another nap in the tent. He brought snacks and we are licking peanut butter and honey off each others hands. The sex feels really good, but I never orgasm. He is the only guy I’ve ever let come inside me and I think it’s affecting me psychologically. Another naked run into the ocean, another shower under the waterfall.

3 PM We relax in the hammock together. He suggests we go swim out to a private beach. I really want to have sex on it. The beach is so perfect and we look for shells. There are so many perfect moments to “talk” but we both stay silent. I’m scared he is going to tell me it’s over because I like him too much. We don’t stay long.

8 PM We pack up most of our stuff to be ready to leave early the next day. I’m feeling sad our uninterrupted time is coming to an end. I don’t know if I will ever get that kind of one on one time again. I am very grateful we even got to have it.

9 PM I finally cave and ask if we can talk about stuff. He doesn’t say anything i don’t already know. Just reiterates the fact that he is dating other people, and he is operating on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but if there is anything I felt i wanted to know, he would tell me. He also asked if I had unprotected sex with anyone that I tell him and I feel offended. I bring up insecurities I have to about his PDA and tell him it doesn’t feel authentic if he does it with everyone. He says he wouldn’t do it if it didn’t feel authentic and gets upset. We could go in deeper, but I am tired and shut up.

10 PM We are holding hands in silence so I kiss them and start sucking his fingers, hoping to distract myself. He pulls me on top and in close. He rarely dirty talks, but comments that Im so wet and just hearing him mumble that makes me melt. I’m riding him and and he starts slapping my ass, rough. Me on top is my favorite position because he can take my nipples in his mouth. It’s the perfect combination and I finally come. It’s intense and I almost cry with joy when I feel him finish inside me.That rush of warmth and pressure and pulsing mades me come again. It takes me a second to collect myself before I can peel my sweaty body off him. Everything feels like its electrified. I tell him how good and different it feels for me since he started doing that and he agrees that it feels different for him too.

9 AM A easy morning and rough boat ride later we are back to civilization and he is right back on his phone. I tell myself it is all work, but its hard to tell. His flight is at 4 PM so we go back to the house to shower and relax. I take my shower before we leave for the airport and shave everything. I know we don’t have time to have sex again but I want to show him what he will hopefully be missing. I can feel his eyes on me as I get dressed and need to practice a lot of self control not to jump on top of him.

7 PM M sends a thank you text for the weekend. He says we should cuddle in the cold more often. I really hope he had fun but sometimes its hard to tell how he feels.

10 PM I’m laying in bed and missing M. I think about last night and fantasize about what we would be doing if he was still here. I love having sex where the guy is sitting on the bed and I’m in his lap facing him. but I haven’t done that yet with M. M is also pretty good about going down on me, and I fall asleep dreaming of just that.